9 May 2016

Feeling a bit lost...



Sometimes, when I'm on my own (it's very rare) I feel a bit lost. I am so deeply emerssed in being the girl's mummy and all that comes with it that I don't know what to do or who I am when I'm not with them. I have lost my sense of self somewhere along the way.

I am Taryn, 32.
A mummy
A wife
A daughter
A sister
A friend 

But who am I? What do I like?  I used to love travelling abroad going to gigs, eating out and going to the cinema, oh and sleeping in and lazy Sundays. I haven't done any of those things in such a long time. Life has changed and I've lost myself a little bit in motherhood, it's very easily done.

I like a take away curry, the odd glass of  prosecco and yoga. I like seeing friends - I don't care where, a cup of tea or coffee is fine rather than the big nights out we used to have. I like having my hair done and painting my fingernails when I get chance and trashy tv and hot baths. I like walking my parents dog across the fields on a lovely day. I love spending time with my family, immediate and extended. I like driving with the music turned up loud enough so I can sing along and not here my out of tune voice.  I like making my house a home, sewing and baking. 

The things I like now seem a bit boring in comparison, simpler maybe, but do you know what I'm happy, those things make me happy. I've changed somewhere along the way, I don't think it's possible to not change when you have children, it's a massive identity shift. 

I think part of the feeling lost is lack of 'me' time. I know I need more of this but I'm terrible at it and it's not very easy right now. I think it's because I never know what to do with myself and I don't feel comfortable leaving Miss Dot for long yet. I feel guilty for having it when there is always so much that needs doing. If I don't have the children I am so tempted to do jobs and house work, it seems indulgent doing anything else. Right now the girls are ALL asleep having a nap and what am I doing? After running round like a madwoman catching up on jobs I am sitting writing this having a hot cup of tea because I don't know what else to do with myself.  

My world currently revolves around other people (mostly little ones) and putting their needs first 24hrs a day. I'm ok with that, it's motherhood and loosing my old self is totally worth it for this new self. 4 years in and and I'm still getting to know the 'mother me', I'm stronger and tougher than I thought and it's ignited a love and fire in me that wasn't there before. I feel very at home with this part of me, it's the biggest part of me right now. Maybe that's why I feel a bit lost when I'm not doing it.

When Miss Dot gets older and less reliant I will make more time for the other parts of me; I would love to go somewhere for the weekend with my mr, out for a drink or coffee with a friend or even just alone for some time just to loose myself in doing something or nothing. There is plenty of time for that, to get back to me, right now I'm exactly who and where I need to be, maybe I'm not so lost after all. 

Me x

I actually wrote this post back in December when 3 children aged just 4, almost 2 and almost 4 months felt very overwhelming. We've finally found our new normal and although we have our tough days I can't remember life without three now. I was hesitant to share this post but a lovely lady, a fellow mama, emailed me last week to thank me for being so honest with my writing, so I figured seen as I wrote it, I should put it out there in case anyone can relate to it X. 

2 comments:

  1. I go to the movies witha girlfriend once a week. Its my "me" time and i highly recommend it. I'm normally only gone at night for a 2-3 hours but its enough to relax, catch up, and enjoy myself.
    P.s i just found your blog and insta and are so happy i did. Ive got teo girls but cant decide on a 3rd or not... but you make life with the girls look wonderful (and yes, sometimes it isnt always wonderful!lol but you send out such a positive energy about it all!)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You really struck a chord with this post, thank you for sharing. My daughters are aged 5 and 3, and I am only just beginning to settle in to my new identity as Mother and Wife (I got pregnant just as I got married). I also feel the urge to do jobs on the rare occasions when I am alone, and I feel guilty every time I sit down at the computer to write. https://spookymrsgreen.com/2016/04/05/atozchallenge-d-is-for-daydreamer/

    ReplyDelete

Leave a reply: