10 July 2016

When the puzzle is complete

Whether or not we are having more children is something I am asked regularly. I guess with 3, four and under people figure we'll add to our brood for good measure or they (wrongly) assume that having 3 girls we might want "to try for a boy"?!!! (That statement absolutely infuriates me but I'll hop down off my soapbox and get to the point) The answer as it stands is simple:

"No, we are not planning on having any more children."

Our family is complete and we won't be having any more babies

Reaching this point is a strange and unfamiliar feeling and if I'm being completely honest, it's something I find quite hard to say; but then drawing a line under something is always hard whatever it may be. 

It's hard because it's a stage of my life that I am saying goodbye to and that I won't revisit, something I'm moving on from. I'm not great at dealing with change, maybe that's why it feels like quite a huge thing to me. It's all that I've known for the last 5 years having been pretty much continually pregnant or with a baby in my arms. I have felt quite sad packing away a just handful tiny baby grows into keepsake boxes yet at the same time relieved as the nearly new sale box fills up with the bits Lottie is quickly growing out of. The baby bouncer and play gym have recently been added to the pile too and they'll be more to come. It's the end of an era I suppose, something to let go of and the 'things' are a physical representation of that. At the same time I feel so pleased to be able to clear the clutter and have happily passed things on, something I would never have been able to do before and squirrelled them away in the loft just in case ;)

I do feel sad that I will never have a baby bump again, or feel those magical kicks and even that I won't give birth again. And there is something so lovely about having a baby, I have loved snuggling all 3 of mine and gazing at them for hours on end. However Phoebe and Ellie have already shown me that there are such exciting times ahead and also there are definitely things I won't miss about the baby days!

There are many reasons we have decided our family is complete, some practical, some financial, some emotional and after 5 year of very little sleep - I so need some! On a personal level I very much feel like there is only so much of me to go round and that this regardless of the practical and financial aspects it is the best thing for me and my family, but most of all I feel complete. I really do.

Numerous people had said to me that that just knew when they were finished having babies and until Lottie arrived I hadn't felt it. In fact, the week after Phoebe was born I knew I'd like another one. My mum took this photo of us on a family holiday to Suffolk and as she took it she made a comment about our lovely little family being complete. 

I very much felt as though it wasn't and when I look at it now there is a very obvious gap which Lottie has wonderfully filled. When Lottie was placed on my chest seconds after being born I felt this overwhelming feeling of completeness and relief and now when I take pictures of all 3 little ladies together it's like we were always meant to have 3. 

Having 3 children so close together has been hard, a real challenge at times but also immensely rewarding and I love it. However, it has meant that my husband and I have come bottom of the pile for a very long time and I feel like it's time to get back to 'me' and 'us' a bit. We had our first night out in 10 months the other night and it was just blissful, before now I wasn't able to leave the baby as she was very unsettled in the evenings and just wanted her mama and before that I had another baby and another one before that! 

She's much more settled now and sleeps in her own cot on a more predictable basis and will settle with daddy. This is so bittersweet and I actually cried last week when she slept through the night for the first time as I wasn't quite ready for her to not need me so much. I know that sounds totally bonkers. I think it was exacerbated by the fact that Phoebe potty trained herself the week before that and Ellie has been going to settling in sessions at school, it felt like they were all growing up too quickly and they didn't need me as much all of a sudden.  My poor husband didn't know what to say as I cried into my morning cuppa. He sent me this message later that morning which I think sums it up brilliantly: 

Lottie is now 10 months old and I just don't know where the time has gone, this last baby, our final little puzzle piece has slotted right in and I have just loved it. I will savour the last of these lovely little baby days over the few months - even the sleepless nights... (Yes...Lottie decided she didn't like sleeping through the night after all so we're back to middle of the night cuddles for a while longer...) because time is so precious and it will all be just a foggy memory in the not too distant future.

As I move into this next stage of motherhood I think it's really important to remember that no matter how big they grow and how old they get, they will always be my babies. 

Me x


  1. Totally relate to this, 100% xxx

  2. That is the best text message. He really gets it, in a daddy kinda way!


Leave a reply: